I was born to be a coward and avoid responsibility

what I picked up from my mom when a altercation occurred was to act as crazy as possible and not make any sense. This is the defense mechanism of a coward when they are scared. In some people it can be triggered more easily than others. I like to think my trigger has a high threshold, but it certainly comes out.

There are many incidents where I chose the cowardly choice in favor of the braver one. Many times, those decisions came from a lack of knowledge or just not being sure of myself. What if I was wrong to be brave? I don’t know. I consider my options with situations and seem to make the cowardly choice more often.

My life has been a tragedy of cowardly decisions. One thing I learned from my mom was whispering and talking softly when there people around. You don’t want anybody to hear what you have to say. I look back and see the patterns of whispers that we practiced while interacting in social settings. We were very subconscious of others listening to us and who, perhaps, might try to give their input into the conversation. It was input that could have been offensive and we didn’t want to risk the stress of dealing with it.

I learned to act more like a beta male than anything. Chinese Face Reading identifies me as a beta male, with my more narrow jaw structure. If I don’t have a great passion for something, then I can be swayed either way on a subject depending on how it’s presented. With that, I am an unreliable coward. It can be hard for someone to tell where I stand on a belief.

Some people used to say that they couldn’t tell if I was serious or joking. I don’t have much humor and tend to act with more seriousness about things. I want to be taken seriously all the time. But if someone says something that sounds silly, I find myself chiming in with another silly thought that may sound hypocritical. For example, I could say that sugar causes obesity.mthen someone might reply that the obese need to exercise more, which detracts from my original statement. But then I might add to their response with a profound statement that people need to run around McDonalds before going inside. I don’t believe that the extra exercise would be needed, but I get distracted easily by hecklers.

My mom will bounce, shift, duck, and twist from one subject to the next in a conversation. There is no telling what she will talk about. It’s really hard to follow her. One time when I was with her in a car, she was pulled over for speeding. She told me to keep quiet and let her do the talking. When the officer approached her, she started making up several crazy excuses, jumping from one to the next. She couldn’t even finish a complete sentence and the cop just took control and went through the explanation of what she did illegally and then gave her a ticket.

I can’t finish projects. just like how I talk, which is in sentence fragments, I also am unable to finish projects. I want to always cheat and take the easy route. This writing is a chore, for example. One reason I write this stuff, is because a High School teacher encouraged us to write as much as possible. Even though I got a C- in her class, I thought that writing is probably the right thing to do. You just start writing about whatever. Of course she didn’t know about WordPress.mshe would probably still advise to write a lot though.

Why write words and ideas? There are so many people out there that do it. It feels like I’m just another guy who is repeating what some other person said. I have looked on Twitter and typed in a word like “cops”. Everyone who write about cops in their Twitter all, pretty much keep saying the same thing about the cops. It seems so futile.


One thought on “I was born to be a coward and avoid responsibility

  1. I think you have never had a chance to recover fr your alkie family. This strategy of making oneself as small and invisible as possible is a survival tactic. In your case it worked I think. As an adult child of alcoholics you have reason & wisdom for everything you do. Even selfsabotage has been a kind of virtue in playing out the role that’s been assigned to you fr your family of origin.

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