Once again I wrestle with my selfishness


i watched a lady drag her box of Food Bank food over the sidewalk in some direction that I do not know. She looked very much like she could use help, but I did not offer any assistance for her. I just watched and struggled in my own mind why I was holding myself back from helping her.

All I could think of were the negative results that would have come out of my trying to help her. What if she had a jealous boyfriend? What if I came across as a jerk? What if she was crazy and told me things I didn’t want to hear? What if I fell in love with her? I found to actually be very attractive. It’s rare to see attractive people at the Food Bank. What if she had children? I don’t know her and I don’t know this city.

I have only been in this city for 30 minutes. I make it a point to keep my distance and take my time with things. I will choose to pass on many opportunities and let others pick them up, especially if the situation didn’t seem like life or death. Only under extreme measures will I start to feel like my help is really needed.

Maybe that is my problem, I want to be appreciated for what I do. This lady demonstrated that she was willing to drag her box of food to her place of residence, whether she got help or not. I feel that I would not be appreciated very much by just giving her an extra boost in help, when it’s not really all that needed.

But she was dragging a box on the ground. I can’t help but think that you can only drag s box so far before the contents inside will start to drag with it. She didn’t choose to drag the box on the wet grass. She dragged it on the sandpaper concrete. I felt like I was dragging myself across the concrete whether I should help her or not. No one else was around. I felt like I was the most capable in the area to offer some kind of assistance.

Why couldn’t she have planned getting her food bank food better? Was this her first time there? I have never seen anything like this before and it tears me up inside.

I have little problem when someone asks me for help. Then I feel a little more appreciated. It’s the leaders who don’t ask for help but look like they could use a little help that leaves me with cramps in head instead of in my muscles. I can’t believe this problem is bothering me so much. I just need more time to pass so that it can become more of a distant memory like all the other times I passed on helping other people. I’m such a loser.

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One thought on “Once again I wrestle with my selfishness

  1. Wowza! You remind me of camus ‘the stranger’. I like it that you give ppl help if they ask. I think those were all good reasons not to help her. Also good writing! Good writing it down getting it out of your head. This is good urban warrior training. I’m sorry you have bad memories. This don’t seem worth it beating yerself up over.

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